Questioning Your Own Sanity? Maybe You're A Victim Of Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a tactic in which a person, in order to gain more power and control, makes their victim (friend, family, co-worker, cult follower, etc) question their own reality. It works much better than you may think. Anyone is susceptible to gaslighting, and it is a common technique of abusers, dictators, narcissists, and cult leaders. Addicts also use this technique as a way of maintaining their drug use. The addict will tell those around them that they are imagining things or over reacting when confronted about their use or changes in behavior. It is done slowly, so the victim doesn't realize how much they've been brainwashed.  Not all gaslighters know they are doing it. It may be a learned behavior or a way of feeling okay about themselves. Others know exactly what they are doing.  The bottom line however, is that it is an abusive behavior and should not be tolerated by others.

The term gaslighting comes from a movie made in 1944, titled gaslight. In the movie a man slowly convinces his wife that she is losing her mind.  The gas lights get dimmer and dimmer over time but he manipulates her and tells her they are the same and that she is imagining it. She eventually "loses her mind".

Many people who fall victim to gaslighting are not even aware that it is happening. But they may begin to doubt themselves, have reduced self esteem or even feel like they are going crazy.  One of the goals of a gaslighter is to make the victim become dependant on them. Here are some examples of what gaslighting may look like.

The gaslighter may tell blatant lies convincingly and with a straight face. Even though you know its a lie, they insist they are telling the truth. So now you never know if you can believe what they are saying. You are thrown into a permanent place of instability and doubt.

A gaslighter may tell you one thing, "red is my favorite color" and then a few days later when you give them a red shirt, they will insist that they would never say red is their favorite color.  Again, you are caused to doubt your perception of reality. Because, after all, why would someone lie about that?

A gaslighter may just flat out tell you that you are wrong sometimes. For example, you may say "it's really hot today".  They may respond with "no its not. If you think this is hot, your crazy.".  Or maybe you tell them you are upset about something. They may respond by saying that you shouldn't feel that way or that you don't really feel that way.

​Other times, it may not be so blatant. Maybe you have a suspicion that they are cheating on you because of some texts you found. Again the response is that you are paranoid, over sensitive or crazy for even thinking such a thing. At this point you are so thrown off by them and have no confidence in your intuition or perception, so you believe them and drop the issue.

If you have to interact with a gaslighter, here are some things to keep in mind. The goal is to avoid falling into their games and manipulations. If you have already "fallen under their spell" so to speak, it will take time to rebuild your self esteem and belief in yourself, but you can do it.  When you are interacting with a gaslighter, pay extra attention to what they say and do around you. Notice the details. Believe in yourself and what you know to be true. Trust your intuition to guide you. Try to keep interactions with a gaslighter simple and straightforward. Keep in mind that their goal is to make believe what you know to be true as untrue. Don't let the gaslighter think that you are convinced by them or believe what they are saying. That would only encourage more of the same behavior. You will probably never convince a gaslighter that they are wrong, so it's best to not even try. 

If you think that you may be the victim of gaslighting, awareness is a great step toward getting out from under their spell.  Working with a therapist is one way in which you could start to rebuild belief in yourself, your perceptions, intuition and judgement. It can be jolting to realize that you may be the victim of this type of abuse, and maybe you will even question whether or not this could be the case. You have been broken down so far that you may not trust yourself to make this discovery. Talk with people you trust. Try to take a step back and look at the situation from a new perspective. My guess is that you are strong, smart, and independant and just need a little help getting back on track.

Sara Cole MFT is a therapist in San Diego with offices in Scripps Ranch and Banker's Hill. She has been helping people in the San Diego community for over 15 years. For more information about how she may be able to help you, visit www.saracolemft.com or cal 619-316-3171.