<![CDATA[Sara Cole LMFT

<![CDATA[Sara Cole LMFT - Blog]]>Tue, 09 Jun 2026 18:04:16 -0700Weebly<![CDATA[The Holiday Season and Selfcare]]>Wed, 01 Nov 2023 17:33:56 GMThttps://www.saracolemft.com/sandiegotherapist-blog/the-holiday-season-and-selfcare

Getting through the holiday season and enjoying it can feel overwhelming, but a little self-care can make a big difference.

So we survived Halloween, which to me feels more like a month than a single day. There are school carnivals, parties, decorations, costumes and trick or treating. All of this is lots of fun and as a parent, it can also feel like a lot of work.

Over the next few months, there are likely more holidays on your family's calendar. None of those will feel like a one-day thing either. I think we spread out the celebration and festivities for lots of reasons, including wanting to celebrate with different groups of people. There are work parties, friend parties, maybe religious events, community events, multiple family gatherings, prepping for any of those and more. There is usually meal or feast preparation, invitations, gift buying and wrapping, decorating and travel for many.

Phew. There's no way anyone could do all of that in a single day. Not even super moms. So instead, it gets spread across a month or more. This is great in some ways because there is more time for some or all of these things that are special traditions. But I think many of us start to think that we have to do ALL THE THINGS and all the regular life responsibilities remain as well. I don't know about you, but the stress of doing too much starts to take the joy out of it. And really, isn't joy and togetherness the whole point of our special holidays or traditions in the first place?

As a parent, we want holidays to be, dare I say perfect? We want to create happy memories for our kids and friends and families. We love these people and want the best for them. And so, we start to want the biggest turkey, the best pies, their most wanted gift on Christmas morning, a perfect table setting, snow outside, cute pj's for the whole family and the dog. We want cute photos commemorating the day. We want smooth travel, fun clothes for each event, and smiles and sparkles and birds singing on our pillows as we wake up. We don't want anyone left out or feeling unappreciated.

We want to do it all and give it all and to enjoy every single second of it. Wouldn't that be wonderful? Unfortunately, we don't get to take the last two months of the year off from work, parenting, adulting, etc. We just have to figure out how to squeeze all of the holiday stuff in with all the regular stuff.... let's take a second here and take a deep, slow breath. Just writing this, I feel my shoulders tensing and my breaths getting shallow, so let's pause and again remind ourselves what the point of all of this is.

What are your reasons and goals for this season? I want to spend time with friends and family. I want to show them how loved they are. I want to enjoy and maintain traditions that take me back to childhood and that I can share with my daughter and niece and nephew. And I want to give gifts. I love giving gifts! But not in an extravagant way. I love thinking of something that would uniquely make that person feel known and loved and seen. What are your top priorities for the season? Are they spiritual or maybe about the fun of dressing up or are you the lady who goes totally overboard with Santa and sleighs and snowmen in her front yard? Are you the chef who shows their love through the food they prepare for others? There are endless possibilities for why we try so hard this time of year and yours are unique to you.

My idea is that every time another "to-do" comes up, ask yourself "will this help me reach my goals for this season?". Try to let go of guilt and the "shoulds" that can creep in. Ask yourself that question and then decide if it is something that is important to you or a loved one or that you enjoy? Those questions will help you begin to make decisions. You can say no to somethings and leave room for the joy.

When you begin to make these decisions with intention, you are setting healthy boundaries. Setting healthy boundaries is one of the best things a person can do to take care of themself.
So for example, imagine a coworker invites you to a gift exchange at their house on the same night you have planned to watch a favorite movie with your kids. How would asking yourself the above questions, help you to make a decision? First off, there is no right answer here. One person may decide to watch the movie earlier in the evening and then attend the party. Another person might talk with the kids about what they would rather do (join in the party or have movie night) and let that guide their decision. There are lots of possibilities.

Another example might be that your family is invited to celebrate Thanksgiving with mom's side of the family, dad's side of the family and by local friends. My old version of "super mom" would probably try to figure out how to attend all three to make everyone happy. Now we either alternate where we go from one year to the next or host and invite everyone. Some families might decide to take a vacation and not attend any of the invites. Again, there a lot of options, but the point is that you let you and your families' goals and values, and overall wellbeing guide the decision-making process.

You get the idea. I would even encourage you to schedule in rest times for yourself and family. Being well rested will help ensure that you can enjoy the activities that you do decide to participate in. Maybe you have an artificial tree instead of a live one. Maybe you don't make homemade goodies for everyone on the block. Maybe you bring a store-bought pie because you needed some downtime last night. Its all okay! Setting a positive example of how to maintain healthy balance and self care in life, is one of the best things we can do for our children. And that is a gift that will last much longer than the latest toy and is so much better than burning yourself out and missing the good parts.

]]><![CDATA[Throwing Out the Microwave Has Improved My Mindfulness]]>Wed, 04 Dec 2019 23:25:52 GMThttps://www.saracolemft.com/sandiegotherapist-blog/throwing-out-the-microwave-has-improved-my-mindfulnessThrowing out the microwave has helped improve my mindfulness practice and skills in real life. Microwaves are cool. They cook things superfast. Anything from warming up a cup of coffee, cooking a frozen dinner or even making popcorn. They make life easier because they are fast and they cook food "good enough". Some people have suggested there are health risks with microwaves, but that wasn't really my reason for eliminating it. The problem I was having was that because it was "efficient", I tried to be efficient too, by doing everything at the same time. And I have noticed that when I try to do too many things at the same time, I don't pay attention and I don't do any of them very well. I don't do them mindfully or with intention. And if we are being honest here, which we are, it wasn't really a planned choice to go microwave-less. It was a coincidence that at first seemed like more of an annoyance. I moved into a new place and it had its original kitchen from the 50's. Original... like sink (without garbage disposal), stove, oven and cupboards. Nothing else. Originally I thought I would just buy a microwave when I got a chance, not thinking it was a big deal.

Not surprisingly, suddenly not having a microwave, after having one everyday of your life up to this point, is hard. What does a person do when their coffee gets cold? Duh, put it in the microwave. What did people do before microwaves? Well, I realized I could put it in a pan and warm it up that way. I sort of felt like I was either camping or reliving the pioneer days. It was a strangely proud moment for me. I had to stand at the stove and stir my coffee in the pan so the milk wouldn't burn. I couldn't make toast, sweep the floor and make my daughters lunch. I could just stand and stir my coffee. I noticed it's color and it's rich and roasty toasty smell. I think I actually enjoyed my coffee more than I had in a long time. I noticed how warm it was now and felt the steam rise up onto my face.

This was kind of cool. Yes I had to slow down, but it almost felt like time slowed down too. I still got everything done AND I didn't feel totally flustered by the time I dropped my daughter off at school. That was new! It felt like I had actually lived those moments on this morning, even though I had done all the same things the day before that and the day before that. Back in the day when I had a microwave, all those mornings sort of combined into one big foggy sort of memory. All of these "mundane" moments are what make up our lives.

There is joy and beauty in the simplest of tasks. Imagine cooking veggies in a pan. The sound of them sizzling in the pan and the smell of the onions and bell peppers as they cook. The vibrant reds and yellows and greens and the warmth of the flame as it cooks the food. It is a chance to engage your senses and notice the lovely little details. When you microwave some veggies, they get hot and you can eat them, but they are not the same. I really love that feeling of cooking and paying attention to what it is I am doing. I swear the food actually tastes better.

Microwave-less mindfulness helped me not burn food, as I reminded myself " be here now" or "notice what is happening now" or simply "pay attention". It also spilled over into other parts of my life as I had such a great feeling when I did pay attention to this moment.

In maintaining the spirit of honesty, I will admit that sometimes it's just a pain in the butt when the kid asks to have her mac and cheese warmed up and there is not clean pan in the house or all you have is microwave popcorn and you really want popcorn. By the way, did you know you can make popcorn on the stove? The things I have learned!

I think you get the idea of how this simple change has made big improvements to my daily life. And that's only the stove. Don't even get me started on how much better things taste when they are cooked in the oven rather than microwave. But I will save the magic of cooking food in the oven for another day.
Getting rid of the microwave may not be your thing. I get it. But I bet there is something you can change to bring more mindfulness into your day. When you get the chance to notice all the little things that happen between the big things, life feels fuller. Those little things can add up to feelings of wonder, fulfillment and calm sometimes.

To learn more about Sara Cole MFT and her practice in San Diego, visit www.saracolemft.com. You can also find lots of other blog posts there to enjoy.

, ]]><![CDATA[We Need To Talk About Suicide]]>Wed, 10 Apr 2019 16:05:15 GMThttps://www.saracolemft.com/sandiegotherapist-blog/we-need-to-talk-about-suicide

Suicide is preventable

Suicide can be uncomfortable to talk about, but it is a something we must address. When someone has come to a point where they are considering killing themself, they are feeling alone, scared, hopeless and they need help. Just the words of one person can save a suicidal person. There may come a day when you could be that person. Because you may come into contact with someone who is contemplating ending their life, it is important to know what to look for as warning signs and what you can do to help. These same tips can also help if you find yourself thinking of suicide.

Suicide warning signs include:

Talking about suicide – Any talk of suicide, dying, or self-harm, such as “I’d be better off dead.”

Seeking out lethal means – Seeking access to guns, pills, knives, or other objects that could be used in a suicide attempt.

Preoccupation with death – Unusual focus on death, dying, or violence. Writing poems or stories about death.

No hope for the future – Feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and being trapped (“There’s no way out”). Belief that things will never get better or change.

Self-loathing, self-hatred – Feelings of worthlessness, guilt, shame, and self-hatred. Feeling like a burden (“Everyone would be better off without me”).

Getting affairs in order – Making out a will. Giving away prized possessions. Making arrangements for family members.

Saying goodbye – Unusual or unexpected visits or calls to family/friends. Saying goodbye to people as if they won’t be seen again.

Withdrawing from others – Withdrawing from friends and family. Increasing social isolation. Desire to be left alone.

Self-destructive behavior – Increased alcohol or drug use, reckless driving, unsafe sex. Acting as if they have a “death wish.”

Sudden sense of calm – A sudden sense of calm or happiness after being extremely depressed can mean the person has made a decision to kill themself.

Tip One: If You are not sure, ask.

If you see the warning signs of suicide in someone you care about, you may not be sure what to do or say. In such situations, it’s natural to feel uncomfortable or afraid. But anyone who talks about suicide or shows other warning signs needs help right away.

Talking to a friend or family member about their suicidal thoughts and feelings can be really hard for anyone. But if you’re unsure whether someone is suicidal, the best way to find out is to ask them.
You can’t make a person suicidal by showing that you care. In fact, giving a suicidal person the opportunity to express his or her feelings can provide relief from loneliness and pent-up negative feelings, and may actually prevent a suicide attempt.

Here are few ways to you can start a conversation about suicide:

“I have been feeling worried about you lately.”
“Recently, I have noticed some differences in you and wondered how you are doing.”
“You haven't seemed like yourself lately and I wanted to check in with you to see how you are doing.”

Here are some questions you can ask:

“When did you begin feeling like this?”
"How long have you been feeling like this?"
“Did something happen to make you start feeling like this?”
“How can I best support you right now?”
"What can I do to help you?"
“Have you thought about getting help?”

What you can say that helps:

“You are not alone in this. I’m here for you.”

“It might not seem like it, but how you are feeling will change."

“I may not be able to understand exactly how you feel, but I care about you and want to help.”

“When you want to kill yourself, tell yourself you will hold off for just one more day, hour, minute—whatever you can manage.”

When you are talking to someone who is suicidal do:

Be yourself. Let the person know you care, that he/she is not alone. If you are concerned, your voice and manner will show it.
Listen. Let the suicidal person unload despair, vent anger. No matter how negative the conversation seems, the fact that it is taking place is a positive sign.
Be sympathetic, non-judgmental, patient, calm, accepting. The person is doing the right thing by talking about his/her feelings.
Offer hope. Reassure the person that help is available and that the suicidal feelings are temporary. Let the person know that his or her life is important to you.
Take the person seriously. If the person says things like, “I’m so depressed, I can’t go on,” ask the question: “Are you having thoughts of suicide?” or "Are you thinking of killing yourself?" You are not putting ideas in their head; you are showing that you are concerned, that you take them seriously, and that it’s OK for them to share their pain with you.

But don’t:

Argue with the suicidal person. Avoid saying things like: “You have so much to live for,” “Your suicide will hurt your family,” or “Look on the bright side.”
Act shocked, lecture on the value of life, or say that suicide is wrong.
Promise confidentiality. Refuse to be sworn to secrecy.
Offer ways to fix their problems, or give advice, or make them feel like they have to justify their suicidal feelings. It is not about how bad the problem is, but how badly it’s hurting your friend or loved one.
Blame yourself. You can’t “fix” someone’s depression. Your loved one’s happiness, or lack thereof, is not your responsibility.

Source: Metanoia.org

Tip 2: Know How to respond in a crisis.

If a friend or family member tells you that he or she is thinking about death or suicide, it’s important to evaluate the immediate danger the person is in. Those at the highest risk for committing suicide in the near future have a specific suicide PLAN, the MEANS to carry out the plan, a TIME SET for doing it, and an INTENTION to do it.

The following questions can help you assess the immediate risk for suicide:

Do you have a suicide plan? (PLAN)
Do you have what you need to carry out your plan (pills, gun, etc.)? (MEANS)
Do you know when you would do it? (TIME SET)
Do you intend to take your own life? (INTENTION)

If the person has suicidal thoughts, a specific plan that is highly lethal and the means to carry it out, or they say that they will attempt suicide, you need to respond as follows.
If a suicide attempt seems imminent, call a local crisis center, dial 911, or take the person to an emergency room. Remove guns, drugs, knives, and other potentially lethal objects from the vicinity but do not, under any circumstances, leave a suicidal person alone.

Tip 3: Offer help and support

If a friend or family member is suicidal, the best way to help is by offering an empathetic, listening ear. Let your loved one know that he or she is not alone and that you care. Don’t take responsibility, however, for healing your loved one. You can offer support, but you can’t make a suicidal person get better. He or she has to make a personal commitment to recovery.

It takes a lot of courage to help someone who is suicidal. Witnessing a loved one dealing with thoughts about ending his or her own life can stir up many difficult emotions. As you’re helping a suicidal person, don’t forget to take care of yourself. Find someone that you trust—a friend, family member, clergyman, or therapist—to talk to about your feelings and get support of your own.

To help a suicidal person:

Get professional help. Do everything that you can to get a suicidal person the help he or she needs. Call a crisis line for advice and referrals. Encourage the person to see a mental health professional, help locate a treatment facility, or take them to a doctor’s appointment.
Follow-up on treatment. If the doctor prescribes medication, make sure your friend or loved one takes it as directed.
Be proactive. Those contemplating suicide often don’t believe they can be helped, so you may have to be more proactive at offering support or help. Saying, “Call me if you need anything” is too vague. Don’t wait for the person to call you or even to return your calls. Drop by, call again, invite the person out.
Encourage positive lifestyle changes, such as a healthy diet, plenty of sleep, and getting out in the sun or into nature for at least 30 minutes each day. Exercise is also extremely important as it releases endorphins, relieves stress, and promotes emotional well-being.
Make a safety plan. Help the person develop a set of steps he or she promises to follow during a suicidal crisis. It should identify any triggers that may lead to a suicidal crisis, such as an anniversary of a loss, alcohol, or stress from relationships. Also include contact numbers for the person’s doctor or therapist, as well as friends and family members who will help in an emergency.
Remove potential means of suicide, such as pills, knives, razors, or firearms. If the person is likely to take an overdose, keep medications locked away or give them out only as the person needs them.
Continue your support over the long haul. Even after the immediate suicidal crisis has passed, stay in touch with the person, periodically checking in or dropping by. Your support is vital to ensure your friend or loved one remains on the recovery track.

source- helpguide.org

You can also check out this list of additional resources related to preventing addressing suicide.

]]><![CDATA[Major Obstacles New Parents Face and How to Survive Them.]]>Tue, 15 Jan 2019 00:39:04 GMThttps://www.saracolemft.com/sandiegotherapist-blog/major-obstacles-new-parents-face-and-how-to-survive-them

New Parents Are In For A Bumpy Ride. Here are some of those relationship bumps and ideas on how to survive them.

New Parents have no idea what they are in for. Even if people were brutally honest about what to expect, new parents would still be totally surprised and overwhelmed once baby arrived. Having a baby creates real struggles for new parents, on so many different levels. Their relationship is put to the test and forever changed by having children.

But the good news is that not every new family is not destined for divorce or misery. To do this topic justice would require writing a long book, so in this blog post I will just discuss a few of the biggest obstacles new parents face and some ideas for how to get past those obstacles.

1. Changing Roles - This may seem obvious, but the profound level of change is truly amazing. For a woman, she is now a mother. Her body feels like it is no longer hers alone. Her body has changed physically and hormonally. If she was a professional prior to childbirth, she is not sure where that fits in now. SHe used to only be responsible for herself and now there is this tiny, helpless little being she is responsible for keeping alive.
Most moms also feel like they don't know how to do this mother thing and that can be very uncomfortable and anxiety provoking. For dads some of these same shifts are happening. He is suddenly a father. He may feel ignored by his wife because of the level of attention and care a new baby has. He may feel disconnected from his wife emotionally and physically as sex may be infrequent or non existent for a while.

2. Distribution of labor- even in families that report both parents sharing duties, it is usually found that mom is permanently the one "on call". If she is breast feeding, this alone can feel like a full time job. Dad is not tied down in the same way mom is in most cases. This can lead to resentment and frustration. Couples often tend to fall into the traditional gender-stereotypical ways of parenting.
Women are more likely to become the “on call” parent, the one who gets up in the night to feed or comfort baby or who misses work if child is sick. As this pattern progresses, women take on more of the household and childcare tasks and men spend more time outside the home at work. This in turn can lead to feelings of resentment and guilt for both parents. Even is these rolls are reversed or in a same sex marriage, similar patterns and reaction can be seen.

3. Sleep deprivation- Did you know that sleep deprivation can be used as a form of torture? Continual deprivation of sleep can have serious effects on a person. A significant loss of sleep can result in depression, anxiety, moodiness, confusion, paranoia, feeling sick, reduced cognitive functioning, forgetfulness and even in extreme situations death.
We need sleep and babies can make it very difficult to sleep. So it's not surprising that the first few months or even the first year can be very taxing on a person and a family. After my daughter was born I came to the realization that up until that point I had never really know what it was like to be truly exhausted.

4.Hormones- We all have hormones. During pregnancy a woman has all kinds of new things going on with her hormones. After the baby is born, even more changes happen and that has dramatic effects on a woman and her body and in turn her relationships. After giving birth, a woman's body gets ready to feed the baby, causing surges in some hormones and lulls in production of other hormones.
All of these changes can be emotionally challenging. Her body continues to change as she becomes the source of nourishment for her child, whether or not she decides to breastfeed. She is also still recovering from giving birth and may be sore and swollen and tender in all sorts of parts of her body.
In addition to physical restrictions on sexual activity, the hormone changes also may cause a drop in desire for intimacy. Her husband may feel rejected or unwanted. She may feel guilty or pressured to resume sex. They may both feel a disconnect due to little or no sexual activity during this time.

5. Expectations- Whether we realize it or not, we all have expectations as we enter into the unknown. New parents may attend classes about giving birth or parenting and they might even talk about what it will be like to have a child. Other parents don't really do any of this. Either way, things will not be just like they expect.
I think that if fathers and mother to be were given really honest information about what to expect in terms of things they might experience, things their partner might experience and how they each might respond to these things, the struggle might be a little less overwhelming once the baby comes home. You can never prepare for every possibility, but for example, if men were told that they really shouldn't expect to have sex for the first 6 months after baby is born, some of the stress around sex might be reduced. Then if they happen to be sexually active before 6 months, it would be a pleasant surprise instead of a source of possible conflict.
Expectations about everything from sex to division of labor, parenting style and even sleep could also be partially managed by talking ahead of time and trying to plan how it might work. Of course, also keeping in mind that things don't always go as expected.

So the challenges are many, but there are also lots of things you can do manage them. Here are a few ideas.

Healthy Communication is the one thing that can help the most when new parents find their relationship suffering.

See a therapist and learn about what is happening in your family and your relationship. A therapist can not only help you develop healthy communication, they can educate you about what is happening, what to expect and develop strategies for maintaining a healthy relationship while parenting. a therapist can help each parent to understand what the other is going through. A therapist can explain that what is happening is pretty normal for new parents and that all is not lost.

Seek out help with childcare and chores. This can be a friend, family member, hired help or even childcare at the gym for an hour. Get creative and get help.

Find your tribe. Find friends who are going through the same stages of life. No one understands your struggle like someone who is going through something similar. You can laugh and cry and share war stories and successes with your new tribe. This can be through a support group, other moms o r dads you know, a meetup group, people you meet at the park, etc.

Accept that sometimes you cannot do your best. Sometimes "good enough" is all that is required. when you are stretched to the limit and functioning on almost not sleep, cut yourself some slack. You are basically learning a ton of new skills and give yourself time to catch on. Of course you are keeping yourself and your baby safe, but don't stress over all the other stuff.

Take care of yourself!!! However you can, do something to care for you. Going for a walk, taking a bath, calling a friend, taking a class, just breathing in silence for a few minutes, going on a date with your partner, taking time by yourself, putting on clean clothes, seeing a therapist, etc.

Take care of your relationship. Finding time and energy for your partner gets harder when there is a baby, but really try to do this. It can be a date night once a month or taking ten minutes to really connect at some point each day, sending a text of appreciation or love, greeting each other with a hug and a kind word. Doing things big and small make the difference. Maybe learn about your partner's love language to make sure you are really reaching them.

Express genuine appreciation for your partner. Knowing you are seen and appreciated can mean so much and can actually help motivate a person to keep going. To keep trying.

Part of healthy communication is letting your partner know what you need. They are probably not a mind reader. Moth likely they want to help you and meet your needs, but they can't unless they have the information.

Try to find joy in the small things. Life is a wild ride with ups and downs and crazy twists. Remember that the journey is really all we have, so try to make the best of it.

If either of you is experiencing depression, anxiety or other distress please please find help. You can and will feel better with the right professional support.

If your relationship does not work out, it's okay. Sometimes there are other factors that contribute to a relationship ending and there is only so much you can do. Most of these tips can be used to successfully co parent as well. Happy healthy co-parents are great parents too and they can raise happy healthy kids.

For more on parenting, new parents and relationships and self care check out some of my other blog posts here.
postpartum-depression-and-anxiety-there-is-hope.html
why-do-we-hide-the-truth-from-parent-to-be.html
7-parts-of-self-care.html

Sara Cole MFT is a San Diego Therapist and has been providing mental health support to San Diegans for over 15 years. To learn more about how she can help you, visit her website at www.saracolemft.com.

]]><![CDATA[Hibernating isn't just for bears.]]>Mon, 31 Dec 2018 18:56:59 GMThttps://www.saracolemft.com/sandiegotherapist-blog/hibernating-isnt-just-for-bearsThe benefits of quietly turning inward once in a while and why winter makes you want to.

This winter try to enjoy a moment or more of quiet alone time and honor that pull you feel to hibernate and be cozy. While it's quiet, I am taking this time to review the successes and disappointments of 2018 and set intentions for 2019. If you have the opportunity to do this, it can be a meaningful and inspiring practice. The following is written by Brigit Anna McNeil and she has said everything I have been thinking, so eloquently. Take a few minutes to read it and let in resonate with you.

I am excited to see what this year will bring.
Happy New Year to everyone and may it be your best year yet!

"We are approaching the threshold of winter.
Life is being drawn into the earth, painlessly descending down into the very heart of herself.
And we as natural human animals are being called to do the same, the pull to descend into our bodies, into sleep, darkness and the depths of our own inner caves continually tugging at our marrow.
But many find the descent into their own body a scary thing indeed, fearing the unmet emotions and past events that they have stored in the dark caves inside themselves, not wanting to face what they have so carefully and unkindly avoided.
This winter solstice time is no longer celebrated as it once was, with the understanding that this period of descent into our own darkness was so necessary in order to find our light. That true freedom comes from accepting with forgiveness and love what we have been through and vanquishing the hold it has on us, bringing the golden treasure back from the cave of our darker depths.
This is a time of rest and deep reflection, a time to wipe the slate clean as it were and clear out the old so you can walk into spring feeling ready to grow and skip without a dusty mountain on your back & chains around your ankles tied to the caves in your soul.
A time for the medicine of story, of fire, of nourishment and love.
A period of reconnecting, relearning & reclaiming of what this time means brings winter back to a time of kindness, love, rebirth, peace and unburdening instead of a time of dread, fear, depression and avoidance.
This modern culture teaches avoidance at a max at this time; alcohol, lights, shopping, overworking, over spending, bad food and consumerism.
And yet the natural tug to go inwards as nearly all creatures are doing is strong and people are left feeling as if there is something wrong with them, that winter is cruel and leaves them feeling abandoned and afraid. Whereas in actual fact winter is so kind, yes she points us in her quiet soft way towards our inner self, towards the darkness and potential death of what we were, but this journey if held with care is essential.
She is like a strong teacher that asks you to awaken your inner loving elder or therapist, holding yourself with awareness of forgiveness and allowing yourself to grieve, to cry, rage, laugh, & face what we need to face in order to be freed from the jagged bonds we wrapped around our hearts, in order to reach a place of healing & light without going into overwhelm.
Winter takes away the distractions, the noise and presents us with the perfect time to rest and withdraw into a womb like love, bringing fire & light to our hearth."

•illustration by Jessica Boehman•
•words Brigit Anna McNeill•

Sara Cole MFT is a San Diego therapist providing services in Banker's Hill and Scripps Ranch areas of San Diego. To find out more about her services and how she may be able to help you, visit www.saracolemft.com.

]]><![CDATA[Scientifically Proven Ways To Increase Your Happiness. Starting Now.]]>Tue, 04 Dec 2018 22:33:36 GMThttps://www.saracolemft.com/sandiegotherapist-blog/increase-your-happiness-starting-right-now

If you were told that there are 5 things you could do to increase your happiness, would you do them? Well research is showing that these five things, if done daily, have been proven to increase people's happiness. Would you believe that some of these things only require two minutes per day? Happiness researcher and expert Shawn Acher talks about these five things and how he sees them improve people's feelings of happiness. So without further ado, let's talk about these five activities you can start doing right now.

1. List three things you are grateful for and why. Do this everyday and also try to make it three new things each day. By making the effort to look for more and more things you are thankful for, your brain starts to get better at this task. It becomes a habit throughout the day. As for saying why you are thankful, that is a way of reinforcing the gratitude and also going more deeply into the experience. Acher suggests doing this daily for 90 days.

2. Take two minutes to text, email or tell someone why they are important or special to you. Again, make it a new person each day for as long as you can. Again you are training your brain to look at the positive. The other reason this works so well it that it is increasing and strengthening your social connections. Social connects are the number one predictor of happiness as we age.

3. Concentrate on deep slow breathing for two minutes. It slows you down, increase oxygen flow in your body, slows heart rate, lowers blood pressure, and brings you back to the present. People who take the time to do this during the day actually find that they are happier and more productive. This is actually a simple way of bringing mindfulness to your daily routine.

4. Look back over the last 24 hours and pick something good that happened. Now visualize that experience, including the feeling you had. When you visualize doing something, it like your brain doesn't know you aren't really doing it. So its like you get the benefits of that positive experience twice and all the benefits of having a positive experience. This is also another way in which you are training your brain to scan for positive events, people, etc. You are strengthening that optimist muscle.

5. Do 15 minutes or cardio activity. Preferably something you enjoy doing. Exercise causes your brain to produce "happy chemicals" which can boost your mood for hours. Also, when you pay attention to doing something positive like exercising, there is a chain reaction and you start paying attention to other things like the food you eat or getting enough sleep. It is a positive self care domino effect that you put into action.

If you can maintain even one of these practices for 90 days, it is likely that it has become a habit and part of your daily routine. Do as many of these as you are able to, on a daily basis and I know you will feel the benefits.

*This is not intended as therapy or a replacement for therapy or medication. These are activities that you can do in addition to any other treatment you may be currently receiving. If you are feeling depressed or anxious, or stuck it's always a good idea to talk to someone. A therapist is a great person to talk to. If you are feeling suicidal, please call an emergency number such as 911 or the access and crisis line (888) 247-2470 to get immediate help.

For more from Acher, check him out on youtube and Ted Talks.

Sara Cole MFT, San Diego therapist, has been providing mental health services in San Diego for 15 years. If you would like to find out more about her or her services and how she may be able to help you, check out www.saracolemft.com.

]]><![CDATA[7 Essentials of Succesful Self Care]]>Mon, 12 Nov 2018 23:11:46 GMThttps://www.saracolemft.com/sandiegotherapist-blog/7-essentials-of-succesful-self-care

When you feel like stress is ruling your life, It’s time to step up your self care routine. Here are 7 ideas to keep in mind as you develop your own self care plan.

Living your best life starts with successful Self Care and that doesn’t mean taking an OCCASIONAL Bubble Bath. True self care takes commitment to you and the ability to stick with your plan.

Self Care involves addressing 7 areas of your life for maximum benefits.
Few realize that these areas exist and very few are addressing ALL of them.

*There’s no “one-size-fits-all” plan but it’s certain that to best care for yourself, these 7 domains need to be nurtured.

And now ....

The seven Domains of Self Care

1) Physical: This means being active, eating well and taking care of your physical health. It’s going to the doctor for a checkup or when you don’t feel well, regular dentist care, etc.
2) Emotional: This is attending to your emotional or mental health. It means identifying, accepting & expressing a range of feelings, which is vital to your health. Try finding outlets for your feelings. This could be anything from drawing to landscaping or playing an instrument. Relaxation techniques are also helpful. Try guided meditations or yoga. Seeking therapy is a great way to care for yourself. **If you’re having a challenging time, it may be time to see a therapist.

3) Spiritual: The idea that we are in “an ongoing search for meaning in life and what may extend beyond”. It’s exploring and expressing our beliefs and values. This also means understanding your place in the universe and connecting to something larger than yourself. Spirituality isn’t necessarily religion, but it can be for some people.

4) Intellectual: This is all about using your brain. This involves critical thinking, an interest in ideas & creativity. You can approach this type of self-care in many ways. You might focus on career development or your favorite hobby.

5) Social: This part of your life involves nurturing relationships with people outside of your immediate family. Friendships are critical to our quality of life. Friendships become especially important over time, because as we age, we face difficult challenges like sickness, divorce and the death of loved ones.

6) Relational: This means strengthening and maintaining relationships with significant others, kids, parents and other family members. Daily familial interaction is a key factor in promoting your overall health.

7) Safety and Security: Involves being proactive about ensuring personal safety, understanding your finances. Always remember that regardless of how busy you are, you deserve to feel safe, secure, happy and fulfilled.

As you can see, this list is just touching the surface of what your self care plan can look like. Use this as a jumping off point and find what works for you. I would love to hear what you come up with.

Sara Cole MFT provides therapy in Scripps Ranch and Bankers Hill. For information about how she can help you, check out her website www.saracolemft.com or get in touch at sara.colemft@gmail.com or 619-316-3171.

]]><![CDATA[Maybe It's Time We Take Humor More Seriously]]>Tue, 18 Sep 2018 18:54:36 GMThttps://www.saracolemft.com/sandiegotherapist-blog/maybe-its-time-we-take-humor-more-seriously-humor-and-psychotherapy

They laughed, they cried, they did everything in between...

I don't feel the need to be serious all the time in order to take my work seriously. When a client and I can laugh or cry together in session, it suggests to me that we have really reached that point where there is trust and a solid connection. I think that some therapists avoid humor in their work for a number of reasons. There is a fear that if someone laughs or says something funny, that they may come across as uncaring or cold. There are obviously times when a joke is not appropriate, as we all know. But sometimes a funny comment or observation is exactly what is needed to break the tension or give a new perspective.

Is it possible to do great work and have fun doing it?
I think that sometimes people make the assumption that you must be very serious to be an expert in something. I also disagree with this idea. Einstein was not a serious person and it's clear that he was a genius. I am an expert at what I do and I love it. I know that I can do great work with my clients and that we can both even enjoy it sometimes. For me, the therapeutic relationship makes room for the whole range of emotions. Because, after all therapy is all about all the feels.

Humor Can Change How We Think About Events
For a very long time I have strongly believed that humor and laughter play an important part in therapy and healing. We have seen that laughter improves physical health. An example is the story of the Doctor Patch Adams, in which Robin Williams plays the main character of the movie Patch Adams. But, Humor, laughing, smiling can also improve a person's mental health. Researcher and Psychologist Steven Sultanoff PhD writes that "humor helps us change the way in which we perceive events. One way humor helps change thoughts is by providing perspective on a situation. Consider the Ziggy cartoon where Ziggy is lying on the psychiatrist's couch and the psychiatrist says "The whole world isn't against you...there are billions of people who don't care one way or the other.""

Sultanoff also writes that some of the benefits of humor go beyond, the humor itself. He explains that "benefits of humor are not in laughter, but in the cognitive and emotional management that humorous experiences provide. The experience of humor relieves emotional distress and assists in changing negative thinking patterns.”.

How Smiling Affects Your Brain
Laughing feels good. I think we were meant to laugh and smile and experience joy everyday. Everytime you smile, you throw a little feel-good party in your brain. The actual act of smiling alone triggers neural messaging that benefits your health and happiness. In the article from Psychology Today, titled There's Magic In Your Smile: How Smiling Affects Your Brain , Ronald E. Riggio PhD writes the following explanation:re going to eventually discover that the most dramatic health

For starters, smiling activates the release of neuropeptides that work toward fighting off stress (3). Neuropeptides are tiny molecules that allow neurons to communicate. They facilitate messaging to the whole body when we are happy, sad, angry, depressed, or excited. The feel-good neurotransmitters — dopamine, endorphins and serotonin — are all released when a smile flashes across your face as well (4). This not only relaxes your body, but it can also lower your heart rate and blood pressure.

The endorphins also act as a natural pain reliever — 100-percent organic and without the potential negative side effects of synthetic concoctions (4).

Finally, the serotonin release brought on by your smile serves as an anti-depressant/mood lifter (5). Many of today’s pharmaceutical anti-depressants also influence the levels of serotonin in your brain, but with a smile, you again don’t have to worry about negative side effects — and you don’t need a prescription from your doctor.

Smiling Not Only Changes You, But Those Around You As Well!

Wow! Try it right now. Put on a great big smile.
Can you feel it? I can. I can feel that little shift in how I feel and how I think.
Now try smiling and look at yourself in the mirror. You'll feel it even more.
It might seem a little extreme, but think about this. You can change the world around you by smiling or making someone smile.
Smiles really are contagious. I always try to smile when I greet my clients in the waiting room and I swear it puts us on a good track for the session. I smile and they smile back. We have connected and now we can get to work.

To learn more about therapy or how you can start feeling better, check out Sara Cole MFT and her practice. She provides therapy in Scripps Ranch and Banker's Hill. For more information please visit www.saracolemft.com

4. R.D. (2000). Neural correlates of conscious emotional experience. In R.D. Lane & L. Nadel (Eds.), Cognitive neuroscience of emotion (pp. 345–370). New York: Oxford University Press.
5. Karren KJ, et al. Mind/Body Health: The Effect of Attitudes, Emotions and Relationships. New York, N.Y.: Benjamin Cummings, 2010:461.

]]><![CDATA[When Nothing Seems To Work, Is Counseling Right For You?]]>Tue, 14 Aug 2018 17:15:00 GMThttps://www.saracolemft.com/sandiegotherapist-blog/when-nothing-seems-to-work-is-counseling-right-for-you

woman thinking. I counseling right for you

There are times in life when you are having a hard time, yet nothing you try seems to help. Talking to a friend or family member has helped in the past, but it just isn't feeling right. You tried journaling and have maybe even looked at self help books. These are the times when you might wonder if therapy could be helpful to you. You have looked up therapists online but never followed through with calling or scheduling an appointment. You don't make the call because you think "things could be worse", "I don't want to be the kind of person that goes to therapy" or maybe you are having some anxiety. You really don't know much about therapy and you know your not "crazy". There is this idea floating around out there that only "crazy" or "emotional people" go to therapy. OK. Let me stop this right here and tell you that therapy can be helpful to anyone who is willing to participate. Therapy is for anyone who could benefit from talking to a person that is not otherwise involved in their life and who may offer a new perspective and/or skill set.

The idea of sitting with complete stranger who is asking you to talk about things that may be very personal to you, can be extremely intimidating. Therapists know this and that is why licensed therapists and counselors have made it their life's work to help people feel comfortable talking with them about anything and everything. Sometimes people tell me they have waited so long to start therapy because they were afraid their therapist would judge them. The goal of therapists is to understand you and not to judge you. As you work with a therapist, an important relationship develops. The therapist works to help you feel comfortable, safe, accepted and to earn your trust.

Other clients have told me they were worried that they would look ridiculous because they don't know how to "do therapy". If you know how to talk with another person, you know how to do therapy. Your therapist is trained to not only help you feel comfortable, but to guide you through the process. So you can let that worry go. Once you establish that your therapist is a good fit, you can trust them to take the wheel when needed.

An extremely common reason people give for avoiding therapy is that they think "going to therapy will make me look weak". OMG, if only the public understood that it is the courageous, the strong and the determined that seek therapy. It is much easier to just coast along surviving, than to admit that things need to change and to take the actions required to make those changes. It is easier to deny that there is a problem than to face a problem and resolve it. Consider this idea. The best athletes, actors or business people in the world seek out coaches. They got to be the best because of support from experienced professionals. This applies to living life as well. Mental health, life changes, relationship problems and other hiccups in life happen. It's how you handle these events that makes the difference. Why not get the help of an expert to deal with your problems in the most effective ways?

You would be very surprised at just how many people are either in or have been in therapy. There is no reason you should feel ashamed for doing everything you can to help yourself feel better and make yourself a better person. When you feel like you are not living your best life, it's important that you find help and support in some form, so that you can get back on track.

In the past I have written about important questions to ask a potential therapist. In that article I talk about some of the questions you may want to ask a therapist in order to see if they are right for you. I also wrote about some of the reasons you should go to counseling. So if you have more questions about therapy or how seeing a therapist could help, check out these other posts.

]]><![CDATA[Questioning Your Own Sanity? Maybe You're A Victim Of Gaslighting?]]>Mon, 30 Jul 2018 17:56:52 GMThttps://www.saracolemft.com/sandiegotherapist-blog/questioning-your-own-sanity-maybe-youre-a-victim-of-gaslighting

Gaslighting is a tactic in which a person, in order to gain more power and control, makes their victim (friend, family, co-worker, cult follower, etc) question their own reality. It works much better than you may think. Anyone is susceptible to gaslighting, and it is a common technique of abusers, dictators, narcissists, and cult leaders. Addicts also use this technique as a way of maintaining their drug use. The addict will tell those around them that they are imagining things or over reacting when confronted about their use or changes in behavior. It is done slowly, so the victim doesn't realize how much they've been brainwashed. Not all gaslighters know they are doing it. It may be a learned behavior or a way of feeling okay about themselves. Others know exactly what they are doing. The bottom line however, is that it is an abusive behavior and should not be tolerated by others.

The term gaslighting comes from a movie made in 1944, titled gaslight. In the movie a man slowly convinces his wife that she is losing her mind. The gas lights get dimmer and dimmer over time but he manipulates her and tells her they are the same and that she is imagining it. She eventually "loses her mind".

Many people who fall victim to gaslighting are not even aware that it is happening. But they may begin to doubt themselves, have reduced self esteem or even feel like they are going crazy. One of the goals of a gaslighter is to make the victim become dependant on them. Here are some examples of what gaslighting may look like.

The gaslighter may tell blatant lies convincingly and with a straight face. Even though you know its a lie, they insist they are telling the truth. So now you never know if you can believe what they are saying. You are thrown into a permanent place of instability and doubt.

A gaslighter may tell you one thing, "red is my favorite color" and then a few days later when you give them a red shirt, they will insist that they would never say red is their favorite color. Again, you are caused to doubt your perception of reality. Because, after all, why would someone lie about that?

A gaslighter may just flat out tell you that you are wrong sometimes. For example, you may say "it's really hot today". They may respond with "no its not. If you think this is hot, your crazy.". Or maybe you tell them you are upset about something. They may respond by saying that you shouldn't feel that way or that you don't really feel that way.

Other times, it may not be so blatant. Maybe you have a suspicion that they are cheating on you because of some texts you found. Again the response is that you are paranoid, over sensitive or crazy for even thinking such a thing. At this point you are so thrown off by them and have no confidence in your intuition or perception, so you believe them and drop the issue.

If you have to interact with a gaslighter, here are some things to keep in mind. The goal is to avoid falling into their games and manipulations. If you have already "fallen under their spell" so to speak, it will take time to rebuild your self esteem and belief in yourself, but you can do it. When you are interacting with a gaslighter, pay extra attention to what they say and do around you. Notice the details. Believe in yourself and what you know to be true. Trust your intuition to guide you. Try to keep interactions with a gaslighter simple and straightforward. Keep in mind that their goal is to make believe what you know to be true as untrue. Don't let the gaslighter think that you are convinced by them or believe what they are saying. That would only encourage more of the same behavior. You will probably never convince a gaslighter that they are wrong, so it's best to not even try.

If you think that you may be the victim of gaslighting, awareness is a great step toward getting out from under their spell. Working with a therapist is one way in which you could start to rebuild belief in yourself, your perceptions, intuition and judgement. It can be jolting to realize that you may be the victim of this type of abuse, and maybe you will even question whether or not this could be the case. You have been broken down so far that you may not trust yourself to make this discovery. Talk with people you trust. Try to take a step back and look at the situation from a new perspective. My guess is that you are strong, smart, and independant and just need a little help getting back on track.

Sara Cole MFT is a therapist in San Diego with offices in Scripps Ranch and Banker's Hill. She has been helping people in the San Diego community for over 15 years. For more information about how she may be able to help you, visit www.saracolemft.com or cal 619-316-3171.

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